Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
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‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
☠️☠️☠️
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music