One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐