Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Greeting humans vs their dogs
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”