[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Is….Is this an option?