“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My dog ate my work from home.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.