The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds