Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
it was a valiant fight
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*limbos away from your hug*
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.