That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I feel seen
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*