Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Hello Twits.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob