If you’re testing me, we failed.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
i would wish you the best but i am the best