The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
#damn
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up