Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
You Might Also Like
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.