Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I think about this a lot
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?