djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
i- i did not expect this
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.