The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
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The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Nice try Hitler
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.