If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
WHY would you be happy about this?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
lmfao
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”