Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.