Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*