As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
that lip filler tho
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
where do you see yourself in five years?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.