Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
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“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
never forget
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows