[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
🏙👨🏼
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Called it
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
bought wrong eggs
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.