Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda