I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs