*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
titanic