I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Salad is the decaf of food.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.