When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it