Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
He’s cranky this morning
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.