(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
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Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Dietest Coke
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar