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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat