“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
All generalizations are stupid.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”