Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages