Watson was Holmes schooled
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
#dalle2
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place