dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
mmm onion ringos
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
goldfish mafia
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.