A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
stand with me against insufficient seating
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist