The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
This is true.
Put the is in disheveled
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.