I’d rather fork than spoon.
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.