Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.