I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.