Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again