The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
time machine? you mean a clock?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”