Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Made something I’m not proud of
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Art by Pastelkatto
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
American Horror Story: Public Restroom