guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
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Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick