Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.