*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh