“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
You Might Also Like
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Always a metermaid never a meter
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
The symmetry is uncanny.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310