with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
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If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time