I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?