When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.