If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You Might Also Like
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Y’all ready for this
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s