Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change